Doctor Who: Now We Are 600 Read online

  Of killing me instead.”

  The King said

  “Nobody

  Could call me

  A fussy man.

  But must I be the one

  to make the Doctor dead?”

  The Doctor said

  “Certainly.

  I’ve emptied out your slave mines

  And your guards they have all fled.

  The people

  Have spoken

  They’re on their way

  With pitchforks

  AND

  I think you’d better try exile instead . . .”

  SPECIAL FEATURES

  Do you suppose

  An Adipose

  Nose

  Grows and Grows

  The more that it Knows?

  *

  Do you think

  An Angel

  Shrinks

  When it Blinks?

  I really think

  It becomes

  Extinct

  When it Blinks.

  *

  Does an Ood

  Refuse its food

  When it’s up

  to no good?

  *

  When a Judoon

  FO-BO-SO

  BO-GO-NO-SO-

  PO-PO-DO-MA-HO.

  *

  What happens when

  A Quark

  Barks in the dark?

  Do the other Quarks hark?

  *

  And really does

  A Yeti

  Forget where he

  Gets his

  Spaghetti?

  *

  And is the Master

  Somehow Faster

  In a disaster?

  (No.)

  THE HARD STAIR

  (after ‘Halfway Down’)

  Halfway down the stairs

  is a man

  who shouldn’t

  be.

  He whispers sometimes

  in my ears

  of death

  and lonely

  nighttime fears.

  And what one day

  he’ll do

  to me.

  Sometimes I’ll be

  going up.

  And sometimes

  I’ll be going down.

  But he’s always

  Always

  Halfway up the stairs

  Waiting with a smile

  That’s worse than

  any frown.

  Sometimes I’ll forget

  if I was going up

  or if

  I

  was

  coming down.

  That is when

  I’ll see the man

  the man

  who shouldn’t be.

  I hope

  and hope

  that one day

  he won’t be me.

  A SIMPLE TRUTH

  (after ‘Lines And Squares’)

  Avoid the lines, tread in the squares

  Or else They’ll catch you unawares

  To escape their dread designs

  Tread on the squares, and not the lines.

  But real life is not so simple

  Evil does not follow principle

  Not all monsters lurk in corners

  Squares and lines aren’t there to warn us.

  Rules I think are just distractions

  The greatest evil is inaction.

  Rudeness, hatred and being brash

  And, of course, a love of cash.

  By all means tread the squares, not the lines

  But also remember – do be kind

  To those you may not understand

  And bear in mind the other hand.

  We fear what’s past and what’s to come

  The real villains are a zero sum.

  Enjoy the now – confront what’s there

  And . . . tread a line and not a square.

  THE MASTER’S BEARD

  I have a lovely beard

  So long and pointy

  I think it very

  much suits

  me.

  I have a lovely beard

  Very lush you see

  I really hope

  you do

  agree.

  I have a lovely beard

  It means a lot to me.

  Look into my eyes

  and obey

  obey

  me.

  THE TOYMAKER

  (after ‘Knights and Ladies’)

  There is in my old picture book

  A page at which I never look.

  The toys within all seem to cry

  And when I look then so will I.

  The playing cards have such sad faces

  The Jack, Queen, King and all the Aces.

  A dolly and a teddy bear

  Sigh and wail in full despair.

  Girls and boys all turned to toys

  So much joy each life destroys.

  They came here and they tried their best

  Do have a go, my latest guest.

  I put them there, you know, my friend

  Not all my games have happy ends.

  What’s that? You think I’d let them out?

  Their snakes were laddered, without a doubt,

  So many, many years ago.

  Perhaps I might – you never know.

  Take care you don’t end up the same.

  Now – care to try my Trilogic Game . . . ?

  GOODBYES

  Jamie, Zoe and I

  Don’t like to say our goodbyes.

  Once we’ve saved your isotopes,

  Or given poor fish people hopes,

  Returned Himalaya’s Holy Ghanta,

  Or proved there are such things as Macra,

  Wonders worked with static electricity,

  Or sadly blown up your ancient city,

  Driven Yeti out of Covent Garden,

  Secured for Mercury miners a pardon,

  Say we’ve saved the Moonbase with a tea-tray,

  Taught logicians to open tombs my way,

  (You know this is making me giddy!)

  Imagine I’ve misdirected Krotons,

  Or baffled Quarks with misplaced protons,

  And captured double evil space pirates,

  Or my Mexican twin (like me, but irate),

  And yes, once we’ve thwarted angry seaweed,

  Met Ann Travers and gone weak-kneed,

  Fired deadly rockets from the Wheel In Space,

  Gone to meet myself with another face,

  (Lots of velvet, lack of grace)

  And we’ve banished the Great Intelligence,

  Nixed Dominators gaining eminence,

  Managed to hold back another Ice Age,

  Dealt with the Emperor Dalek’s great rage,

  Arrested the shape shifters at Gatwick,

  Stopped Zaroff (he laid it on a bit thick),

  And taught the Daleks how to play at trains,

  While Cybermen fiddled about in drains,

  Forced an end to all war, gone on the run,

  And yes, called home and put a stop to fun,

  Well, once we’ve done all that and a bit more too . . .

  We’ll be off.

  THE FLOWER SOUR

  (after ‘Daffowdowndilly’)

  She had a yellow smiling face

  Her stem was brightest green

  She turned it to the human race

  And quivered with a sheen

  She blew them deadly kisses

  And smothered all with plastic

  They perished by the thousand

  Their deaths were quite traumatic

  But still she wore her smiling face

  And her stem of pure Nestene.

  THE COMPANION’S LAMENT

  (after ‘Independence’)

  I never really cared for

  “Don’t run that way.”

  I pursed my lips at

  “Follow what I say.”

  I wasn’t a fan of

/>   “Tell the guard you’re ill.”

  I was frankly tired by

  “Stand very still.”

  I never liked

  “You wouldn’t understand.”

  I rather frowned at

  “Hush now, hold my hand.”

  I was not okay with

  “I’ll explain later.”

  Or

  “It’s a Tissue Compression Eliminator.”

  Then there was the rotten

  “There’s no time for why.”

  And the awful

  “Goodbye, my friend, goodbye.”

  WINNING

  Peoples of the universe

  Attend please carefully

  I am the Master

  And I rule eternally.

  I shall visit all the planets

  And every galaxy

  I’ll label every comet

  It all belongs to me.

  You may call me Master

  (I’m not fussy ’bout the The)

  Just look into my eyes

  Obey and worship me.

  At last I’ve gone and done it

  I own both stars and sea

  I’ll make all kings and gods

  Bow down on bended knee.

  We’ll have just heaps of meetings

  With proposals and decrees

  They’ll give me all their riches

  And hon’rary degrees.

  I’ll never find it boring

  I’ll rule them all with glee

  But I wonder when the Doctor

  Will put a stop to me?

  “Peoples of the universe

  Listen please to me.

  For I am the Doctor

  And I’d love a cup of tea.”

  SAID ALICE

  (after ‘Buckingham Palace’)

  They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.

  The young Time Lady should be on her guard.

  “I think your name is terrible hard,”

  Said Alice.

  They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.

  She’d surely never met that girl before.

  “Ooh, look a dainty marble floor!”

  Said Alice.

  They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.

  Being caught in a time loop’s a terrible thing.

  “A moment’s respite before the reset swing,”

  Said Alice.

  They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.

  “Something’s breached the transduction barrier!”

  “Romana, you’re just a terrible worrier,”

  Said Alice.

  They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.

  “You’re nothing but a psychovore!”

  “I’ve escaped here from a terrible war,”

  Said Alice.

  They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.

  “I’m eating this planet minute by minute

  Until you’re dust and there’s nothing in it,”

  Said Alice.

  They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.

  “Just what are you doing?”

  Said Alice.

  They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.

  “I’m breaking the loop and throwing you out

  To bring your defeat

  My poem’s not neat

  And some of my rhymes

  Are terrible crimes

  But it should form a reasonable basis

  For rupturing a chronic hysteresis,”

  Said Romana.

  “Some people should not be allowed near poetry,”

  Said Alice.

  “Also, noooooooooooooo!”

  Said Alice.

  They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace

  Romanadvoratrelundar went down with . . . “Oh.”

  “Something wrong?” “I don’t think so.”

  The Doctor said, “Well, it looks like snow.

  Who’s Alice?”

  THE HAPPY BRIG

  Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart

  Had saved the world and this time he knew it.

  It wasn’t the Doctor (He was on Mars)

  It wasn’t Ms Shaw (She was playing with jars)

  It hadn’t been Ms Grant (For she’d been late)

  And, due to a cold, it wasn’t Mike Yates.

  And of course, we really should mention

  It hadn’t, oh hadn’t, been Sgt Benton.

  Gordon Alistair Lethbridge Stewart

  Had saved the world and this time he knew it.

  The PM had not taken his call

  Word had spread throughout Whitehall.

  They’d made excuses in Geneva

  “Perhaps a touch of dengue fever?”

  The game was up, they began to fear

  It was all in the hands of the Brigadier.

  Lethbridge Alistair Gordon Stewart

  Had saved the world and this time he knew it.

  It wasn’t with bullets (they never worked)

  He didn’t use nanites (they always lurked)

  It wasn’t a bomb (though they were a blast)

  He didn’t lay on a chopper (they were too fast)

  He could never rely on nuclear

  Nor set hands on a trusty bazooka

  Alistair Lethbridge Gordon Stewart

  Had saved the world and this time he knew it.

  It may be laying it on a touch too thick

  But it was honestly nothing ballistic

  He just strode out to the UFO

  With a cheery smile and a fond hello.

  “Terribly sorry, you’ve got the wrong date

  This world won’t be conquered by a feller who’s late.”

  Don’t tangle with Earth or you’ll be made fools

  By a chap who obeys the Queensbury rules.

  Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart

  Had saved the world and this time he knew it.

  TO ANONYMOUS

  I’ve 100 words a minute

  And not one of them’s for you.

  You’re a thing I can’t describe

  Don’t know your what or why or who.

  You’re an itch I’m not meant to scratch

  A take-a-way unordered,

  A song that doesn’t come on shuffle,

  A shopping trip afforded,

  The answer to my horoscope.

  “Strangers are friends you’ve not yet met,”

  It says so in my magazine

  Along with Katie’s Diet Secrets,

  Psychic poodles and Sudoku,

  Plus a girl whose husband minced her.

  All human life’s therein – but mine.

  “You’ve got it all!” – I’m not convinced.

  I’m not seeking tall, dark and handsome

  More sort of wiry, sort of lanky.

  No muscled Sven, no hirsute Barry

  Just suited with a pocket hanky.

  The missing bit in my life’s sky.

  No lover – just that best, best friend

  It’s your name carried on their heart

  They’re your laugh, your mate, your end.*

  *We all deserve one of these (except for Nerys)

  You’re one more bus that I’ve just missed

  Like when there’s aliens arriving

  And I’m on safari, karaoke,

  A hen night, or scuba diving.

  I’ve skipped a page in my life’s book

  Some brilliant’s missing from my hi
story

  I guess we all feel that, I guess

  And yet it’s so my mystery.

  A stone I saw in a museum

  “Grandad! It’s me – in Ancient Rome!”

  And it was, I’m so sure it hurt.

  “Is it, luv? It’s late. Let’s go home.”

  Like there’s something I’m not being told

  A locked door’s in my memory.

  Something’s gone and gone for good

  In a life of mist and rain and grey

  I cannot put my finger on

  Why they’d take my sunny day.

  A film without a car explosion

  A year without December

  Beckham in a bunny onesie

  The shape of just can’t remember.

  You’re that one trick that mothers know

  Terms and conditions, PPI

  That lucky thousandth visitor

  You’re what’s missing – Life’s Big Why.

  Seeking the best friend I’ll never know

  I give up. I always do.

  I’ve a hundred words a minute

  And not one of them for you.

  CURTAIN

  (after ‘Brownie’)

  At the end of time there is a great big curtain

  Something lies behind it, but I don’t know who.

  I’m sure it’s there but I’m not quite certain.

  It may be imagination – in which case whose?

  One day I went and looked behind the curtain

  But I went and there was no thing there

  God or monster, no-one said “How do you do?”

  But there’s something waiting of that I’m sure

  And I know that one day it’ll say “Boo!”

  THE FIVE DOCTORS

  (after ‘The Three Foxes’)

  Once upon a time there were five little Doctors

  They went to Gallifrey and frankly they shocked her.

  One got lost along the way in a temporal fracture

  The rest went to the Dead Zone and a secret unlocked-er.

  They faced off against dastard interlocutors,

  Scrambled entry coders while time tick-tocked-er.

  Thwarted Cybermen and an agent provocateur

  Escaped from mad Yeti and a Raston Robot-er.

  They dodged mind probes from a vengeful chief proctor,

  They ate dainty pineapple and knocked out the Master,

  Read Old High Gallifreyan and roared with laughter,

  They unmasked the President and cunning impostors,