Doctor Who: Now We Are 600 Read online

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Title Page

  Beforwards

  Full Stop

  Consultation Exercise

  Dalek

  Taking The Air

  Retiring

  Waiting For A Friend

  Contents

  Dear Humans

  The Death List

  Special Features

  The Hard Stair

  A Simple Truth

  The Master’s Beard

  The Toymaker

  Goodbyes

  The Flower Sour

  The Companion’s Lament

  Winning

  Said Alice

  The Happy Brig

  To Anonymous

  Curtain

  The Five Doctors

  Something Borrowed, Something Blue

  The Guardians

  The Boy Wonder

  Steps

  The Red And The Blue

  The Mara

  Shortness Of Breath

  Ode To A Krynoid

  To Her Coy Doctor

  Christmas On Mars

  Skipping Song

  The Galactic Council

  Josephine Grant

  A Good Man

  The Guide Dog

  Rassilon Why?

  Yeti Song

  Cool Thing

  Games

  Absences

  Possibilies

  Rice Pudding

  Have You Seen . . . ?

  Next Episode

  Harriet Jones, PM

  Friend Ship

  Afterwords

  Verity

  About the Authors

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  BEFORWARDS

  Dawn came to the Thousand Year Wood. It had snowed

  again, as it always did. Figment poked his head out of his

  little burrow and made his careful way through the fresh

  white snow.

  He wondered if today he’d meet Whoot the Owl. Whoot

  had been working on a Special Snowing Song, the words of

  which he’d learned by heart yesterday, but today they were

  gone from the tip of his tongue.

  “Oh dear,” said Figment. “I must stop keeping things on

  the tip of my tongue.”

  He carried on his happy way through the Thousand Year

  Wood, trying ever so hard to remember that song. Songs

  were like that in the Thousand Year Wood. You’d go to

  sleep with them laid out ready to slip on the next morning,

  only to wake up and find them all covered in the snow of a

  new day.

  Figment wondered which of his friends he’d find in the

  snow today. Perhaps TymeWore (such a sad little donkey)

  or maybe he’d be whisked away by Dr Roo, who’d want

  him to go hunting for Gallifrump.

  Figment pottered on, until he stubbed his toe against

  something in the snow.

  “Ow,” said Figment and scratched his head when he’d

  stopped rubbing his toe. “What’s this?”

  It was a tree, hidden in the snow. He worked to uncover

  it, singing a jolly little Uncovering Song as he worked. The

  tree was square and blue, which was exciting, as Figment

  had never seen a blue tree before. There was some writing

  on the blue tree, which Figment couldn’t quite make out.

  He scratched his head (which had seen a good deal of

  scratching) and spelt out what he could.

  “OFFICERSANDCARS

  RESPOND TO URGENT CALLS”

  Figment read it again and he smiled. “How terribly nice

  of Officer Sandcars,” he said to himself. Figment wondered

  ever so much what he looked like.

  “I do hope my call is urgent,” said Figment. “Or, at least,

  that it sounds urgent.”

  Puzzling this problem, Figment wandered away into

  the Thousand Year Wood. He was humming to

  himself, humming a tune which the strange blue tree

  had taught him . . .

  FULL STOP

  (after ‘The End’)

  When I was One

  I was not much fun

  When I was Two

  I was barely through

  When I was Three

  I liked strong tea

  When I was Four

  I hated a bore

  When I was Five

  I was so alive

  When I was Six

  I somehow could never quite fit in to what was expected of me, well, not exactly but that was because things weren’t neat and there are no easy rhymes in the universe and scansion, my dear Peri, is a thing that’s really overrated and you only have to look at a sunset to realise that creation itself is a poem and oh no wait, got it, of course, Fix! The line needed to end with Fix! (Or tricks. That works too.)

  When I was Seven

  I sent gods to Heaven

  When I was Eight

  Kissing was great

  When I was Nine

  I fought time

  When I was Ten

  I began again

  When I was Eleven

  I totally got even

  When I was Twelve, I became as clever as clever

  And now I think I’ll be Twelve for ever and ever*

  (*Unless, of course, there is a terrible catastrophe involving explosions, radiation or heights. And then I guess we’ll find out what comes next. But the eyebrows won’t be as good.)

  CONSULTATION EXERCISE

  (after ‘Disobedience’)

  “Quarks, Quarks

  Cybermen, Cybermen

  Mechonoids, Voord, Zarbi

  Take great care!” said the Doctor

  “Although I am only me.

  It’s more than it’s worth to invade the Earth, without

  First consulting me.”

  “Quarks, Quarks

  Cybermen, Cybermen

  Mechonoids, Voord, Zarbi

  If your Battlefleet happens to

  In the vicinity be

  Then I’ll teach you – reluctantly”

  (said the Dr, said he)

  “To give the Earth a rather wide berth, rather

  Than tangle with me.”

  Davros

  Put up a notice

  “WANTED DEAD or ALIVE!

  (BEST DEAD)

  THIS NASTY IMPOSTOR

  THAT SOME CALL THE DOCTOR

  JUST CANNOT BE SHOWN TO THRIVE

  (PS: DO LEAVE OFF THE EARTH, IT’S REALLY

  OUR TURF, AND WELL,

  WE WOULD SO HATE TO FIGHT).”

  Quarks, Quarks

  Cybermen, Cybermen

  Mechonoids, Voord, Zarbi

  They all took some exception

  To this unkind direction.

  “So that is how old man Davros

  Thinks it is going to be?

  To tell us the Earth is his private turf ? The cheek

  Of the man. Well, we’ll see.”

  Quarks, Quarks

  Cybermen, Cybermen

  (Commonly known as Them)

  Told their friends, relations and alien nations

  That, well

  Sol 3 was a bit of a gem.

  “We’ll conquer the Earth for all that it’s worth. But first

  We’ll give Davros something to see.”

  Quarks, Quarks,

  Many and all and each

  Got up a peach of a fleet

  With which

  Davros a lesson to teach,

  But sadly themselves o
verreached.

  And the battle’s too grim to repeat.

  Save that

  Ev’ron’s plans for the Earth, no matter their worth, ended

  In total defeat.

  “Q. Q.

  C. C.

  M. V. & ZB!”

  Said the Dr (Commonly known as He)

  “Oh dear

  Oh dear and oh dear me

  I told you so and that was my plea.

  This is what happens you see.

  It is more than it’s worth to invade the Earth, without

  First consulting me.”

  DALEK

  (after ‘Furry Bear’)

  If I were a Dalek

  And a big Dalek too

  I shouldn’t much care

  If it froze or snew.

  I shouldn’t much mind

  If it rained acid

  I’d be all lead-lined

  With a coat like his.

  For I’d have no eyes just a stalk to see

  And I’d have no legs but I’d glide nicely

  There’d be no arms but my big gun would kill

  And there’d be a sucker which would, um, still-

  I would have no heart and I’d have no soul

  Which would help when being lonely takes its toll.

  If I were a Dalek

  And a big Dalek too

  I shouldn’t much care

  What happened to you.

  You could run away

  You could say goodbye

  And I’d be all lead-lined

  With a coat like his.

  TAKING THE AIR

  (after ‘Sand-between-the-toes’)

  There was a roaring in the sky

  The pigeons cried as they blew by

  We tried to talk but had to shout

  Someone had let the Atmos out.

  Air is lovely, air is clean

  Life without is jolly mean.

  Sontarans are boist’rous fellows

  If a trifle ’clined to bellow.

  Why they’ve stol’n the air I’ve no idea

  But it makes living tricky here.

  The sky is nice, the sky is blue

  But right now it’s choking too.

  Nanny says best not to worry

  Just hold on tight, don’t you hurry.

  The Doctor, he will sort it out

  So she was taught and has no doubt.

  It’s getting dark, it’s getting dire-

  Good Lord! And now the sky’s on fire!

  Doctor, Doctor, do please hurry

  Nanny has begun to worry.

  Big Ted’s gone quiet – it’s his last breath

  I fear we may now choke to

  RETIRING

  (after ‘Knight-in Armour’)

  On days I don’t want to Doctor much

  I worry that I shall lose my touch

  All that running down those corridors

  Thwartings of tyrants and dreadful bores

  Brave rescues from the Foul Monster’s Lair

  And firm trouncing all the Demons There.

  Chaos never ends, oh that’s the shame

  So yes I tire of just one more game.

  Sometimes when the same old fight begins

  I fear, just once, I’ll let Evil win.

  And then, on second thought, perhaps I won’t

  Because they’re Monsters, and so I don’t.

  On days like that I don’t think at all

  That being the Doctor’s so bad after all.

  WAITING FOR A FRIEND

  (after ‘Rice Pudding’)

  “What is the matter with Sarah Jane?

  She stands and stands out in the rain.

  Let’s just ask, for sure she’ll tell

  I do not think that she looks well . . .”

  Owl and I

  I and Owl

  Wait for a friend

  Who never comes.

  (Well, not yet)

  Yes, he did not come today

  But he’ll surely come tomorrow.

  Maybe he came last Wednesday week?

  Oh, that’d be a sorrow.

  Owl and I

  I and Owl

  Waiting for a friend

  Who never comes.

  Don’t you worry –

  It’s just like HIM

  “I’ll not forget you.”

  (All toothy grin)

  I’m quite sad,

  My brain’s disordered

  I’m sure it’s NOT

  What the Doctor ordered.

  The cheek!

  The nerve!

  He dumps me here,

  Sight unseen

  In holy, roly, poly

  Aberdeen!!!

  No, he did not come today.

  No, will not come tomorrow.

  He did not come last Wednesday week.

  Face it, girl.

  Oh, and-

  Bus fare borrow.

  “What was the matter with Sarah Jane?

  She no longer stands out in the rain.

  She smiles and smiles and won’t say why

  There’s that odd look in her eye.”

  Owl and I

  I and Owl

  Waited for a friend.

  Who never came.

  CONTENTS

  (after ‘Happiness’)

  The Doctor

  Had

  A nice

  New face.

  It fitted

  Well.

  Went

  Into place.

  The hair was

  Short.

  The nose just

  Right.

  The legs were

  Firm.

  The eyes quite

  Bright.

  The problem

  Was:

  “These clothes

  Won’t Do!”

  “They’re off-the-

  Peg

  I’ll have something

  New!”

  “A frilly

  Shirt?”

  (Think I’m over them)

  “Time for a

  Scarf ?”

  (A touch too soon)

  “Some sturdy

  Boots!”

  (Handy for the moon)

  “And finally

  A nice new

  Hat.”

  “And that,”

  (said the Doctor)

  “Is that.”

  DEAR HUMANS

  What a funny little planet

  All green and blue

  And what funny people in it

  Including you.

  A few million years since you crawled

  Up out the mud,

  Looked at the skies and how they called

  It’s in your blood.

  An inventive, invincible

  Curious species.

  Yet destructive, stupid, cruel.

  How odd truth is.

  You’ve cosmic wars and holocausts

  Fought and survived.

  Flood, famine, solar flares and plague

  Suffered through, thrived.

  You’re puny defenceless bipeds

  Homo Sapiens.

  Yet wonderfully tough, I’ve said.

  (I’m man’s best friend.)

  For here is the human spirit

  Undoubtedly.

  Amongst the stars, ready to outsit

  Eternity.

  Indomitable!

  In

  dom

  it

  able!

  THE DEATH LIST

  (after ‘The King’s Breakfast’)

  The King asked

  The Queen and

  The Queen asked

  The Chamberlain

  “Could we have the Doctor made

  So very very dead?”

  The Queen asked

  The Chancellor.

  The Chancellor

  Said “Certainly

  I’ll go and talk to

  The People

  Now

&nbs
p; Before they go to bed.”

  The Chancellor

  He exited

  And went and told

  The Alderman

  “Don’t forget the Doctor must

  be very nicely dead.”

  The Alderman told

  The Vizier

  The Vizier

  Said “Certainly

  I’ll go and talk to

  The Prime Minister

  Before she goes to bed.”

  The Prime Minister

  Said “I hear you”

  And went and told

  The Guard Captain

  “His Majesty would like the Doctor

  To be swiftly, neatly dead.”

  The Guard Captain told

  The Henchmen

  The Henchmen

  They said “Obviously,

  We’ll go and tell

  The Assassin

  Before they go to bed.”

  The Henchmen

  They nodded

  And went and told

  The Assassin

  “Don’t forget you’d better make

  the Doctor very, very dead.”

  The Masked Assassin

  Said slyly

  “You’d better tell

  His Majesty

  That many people nowadays

  Like democracy

  Instead.”

  The King said

  “Bother!”

  And then he said

  “Democracy?”

  The King sobbed. “Oh infamy!”

  And went back to bed.

  “Nobody,”

  He whimpered

  “Could call me

  A nasty man.

  I only want

  Eternal rule

  And the Doctor dead.”

  The Queen said

  “There! There!”

  And went and told

  The Chancellor.

  The Chancellor

  Said “There! There!”

  And went to the people.

  The people said

  “There! There!

  We didn’t really mean it.

  We’re happy in our misery

  Take the Doctor in our stead.”

  The Queen took

  The Doctor

  And brought her to

  His Majesty.

  The King said

  “Doctor, eh?”

  And he bounded out of bed.

  (And the Doctor smiled

  Quietly)

  “You know

  I was your Masked Assassin.

  Fraid you’ll have to do the job